When they had stepped into each other’s arms, he’d had a crazy impulse to lean down and kiss Sean, so strong he’d nearly done it. He didn’t know what was happening to him. He wasn’t gay! So why did Sean’s arms feel so right around his neck, the curve of his body fitting perfectly against his own? He had pulled Sean closer, half expecting him to resist, but Sean had pressed against him, dropping his head to Ryan’s shoulder, his hair tickling his neck.
As he led Sean around the floor, Ryan let the music take him over. As they moved, he forgot for a moment he was dancing with a man. He forgot they were supposed to be putting on a show for the consumption of others. He forgot he wasn’t supposed to be enjoying the feel of Sean’s strong, hard body against his. As his barriers slipped down, lulled by the music and the atmosphere, he’d pressed his body harder against Sean’s, wanting to be closer still.
That’s when he’d freaked. As his cock made contact with Sean’s belly, Sean’s cock was like an iron rod against his thigh. A straight man didn’t get an erection by dancing with another guy! He’d honestly thought for a moment he was going to pass out. Air had whooshed from his lungs and he couldn’t seem to draw in enough to breathe.
Sean was standing quietly beside him, watching the men play ball. Ryan turned to watch them as well, glad for a distraction to his whirling thoughts. Increasingly since he’d been on the island, he found himself looking at men with the kind of critical interest he used to reserve only for women. He noticed the curve of a thigh, the shape of someone’s eyes, the color and luster of his hair. Now as he watched the handsome young men leaping high in the air as they smashed the ball over the net, he appreciated their sensual grace and strength in a way he never would have before.
What was happening to him?
Sean lightly tapped his shoulder, pulling him from his reverie. “Want to take that walk? Or would you rather play some volleyball?”
“What? Oh no, no. I’d rather take a walk.” The moon was full, silver white against black velvet sprinkled with diamonds above them. They walked in silence toward the water. Even in the dark there were still men lying on the beach, most of them couples locked in an amorous embrace, oblivious to passersby.
As they reached the water’s edge, they both slipped off their shoes. The cool, wet sand felt good between Ryan’s toes. He realized with a small shock he wanted to take Sean’s hand as they walked but he didn’t quite dare. Whatever had happened on the dance floor still hung in the air between them.
When they’d finally walked far enough so no one was near, Sean said softly, “So…you want to talk about it?”
“About what?” Ryan said automatically.
“Okay,” Sean said with his signature half smile. “You don’t have to.”
“What? Talk about what?” Ryan persisted, though he knew Sean was referring to their slow dance and his own intense reaction. He didn’t know why he kept asking what Sean meant—it was almost as if he were pushing Sean to confront him.
Sean stopped walking and turned to face Ryan, who stopped as well. The moon shone softly on their faces, reflecting in their eyes. “Ry, something happened between us back there. I’m not sure I want to find out what’s going on in your head. But at the same time, I’ve come to cherish our friendship. I can honestly say I’ve never had a friend like you. Part of that friendship includes being able to confide in each other. Even if it feels kind of scary. I am your safe place even if you don’t realize it yet.” His voice was soft and low and for some reason Ryan felt tears spring to his eyes.
Slowly he sank down to the sand, sitting cross-legged as he faced the ocean. Sean sat next to him, leaning back on his elbows as he stretched his legs. Ryan stared out at the water for a long time, watching the play of moonlight on the waves. Sean was quiet beside him, not pressing him to speak, for which he was grateful.
Finally Ryan ventured, “I’ve always considered myself straight. I’ve always only had girlfriends. I’ve never had a sexual encounter with a guy.” He paused, trying to think how to put what he wanted to say. “But sometimes when I’m drifting off to sleep…”
He paused again. “God, I’ve never told this to anyone.” Ryan glanced at Sean, who gave him a small encouraging smile.
“Go on,” he said softly.
“What happened tonight on the dance floor. I felt—” He broke off. God, why was this so hard? Just because he’d gotten a hard-on, that didn’t mean he was gay. Did it? He didn’t know anymore what to think. “Okay. I’m just gonna come out with it. I’ve had fantasies before. I’ve wondered what it would be like to…to touch a guy.
To,” he stopped and then resumed, his voice little more than a whisper, stunned at himself for his confession, “have sex with a man.”
He glanced at Sean, who was still leaning back on his elbows, his eyes on the sea. He didn’t seem horrified or amused by Ryan’s confession. He just nodded and said.
“Okay.”
Ryan plunged on. “I took this job because it was a sweet gig but that wasn’t the only reason. I was kind of—curious. I didn’t really even articulate that to myself. I mean, I didn’t say, ‘I’m going to take this job so I can watch guys make out with each other’ or anything like that.” He stopped and looked at Sean, waiting for him to laugh.
Sean smiled gently. “Ryan, it’s natural to have sexual fantasies that are different from what we do in real life. And we don’t necessarily want to act on the fantasies we do have. What happened to you and me on the dance floor was natural. We were close, touching—it’s no big deal. Don’t make yourself so upset. It’s okay.”
Ryan relaxed a little and even managed a grin. Sean always had a way of making him realize the molehills he was trying to build into mountains were really after all just molehills. He realized he wanted to share more, to better understand these new, strange feelings. “When we were dancing,” he admitted, “I…I liked it. I mean, it felt nice—better than nice. I know this is going to sound weird, but it felt right somehow. I didn’t feel gay. Or even straight for that matter. I just felt good. Does that even make any sense?”
“It does to me,” Sean said. They were both watching the waves undulate, lightly slapping the sand a few yards from their feet. “I don’t really think anyone is totally gay or totally straight. I think we get shaped by expectations. Boys and men are discouraged from expressing natural feelings of love toward one another, at least in our society. My personal belief is everyone is bisexual to some degree—everyone, even the staunchest homosexual or the most rabid homophobic hetero.”
He sat up straight and said, “Imagine sexuality as a line,” he drew a line with his finger in the sand between them. “On one end you have ‘straight as an arrow’.” He drew an arrow at the end of the line. “On the other end you have guys who acknowledge and embrace their love and sexual desire for other men.” He drew a circle with an arrow coming out of it, the universal sign for male. “Guys who identify themselves as gay are on this end. Their orientation is so strong they break free of society’s mandate that love is only something that can happen between a man and a woman.”
Ryan was listening intently, aware Sean was about to say something that would change his life, though he didn’t yet know what it was, at least not consciously. “Most so-called straight guys would place themselves here.” Sean tapped the damp sand on the straight arrow end of the line. “But in fact they fall all over the continuum. Here,” he pressed his thumb in the center of the line. “And here, and here, and here.” Soon the line was dotted with thumbprints.
“So you’re saying,” Ryan said slowly, “maybe my feelings are natural, given that I’m probably not at the straight arrow end of the line, even though I never thought of myself as gay.”
“You got it. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Ryan stared hard at Sean, who gazed back at him calmly. “But wouldn’t I know that? I mean, even if I never acted on it, wouldn’t I know if I had sexual feelings toward guys?”
“I don’t know, Ryan. Denial is a powerful force, especially when an entire society engages in it. You say you’ve had fantasies sometimes when you’re alone in the dark. Tonight when I was in your arms—” Sean broke off, looking away. “You tell me, why don’t you? Where do you fall on the continuum?”
Ryan swallowed and jerked his head back toward the ocean. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, confusion swirling in his brain. A crazy thought leaped into his mind.
What if he kissed Sean?
Not a peck on the cheek but a real kiss? If he felt something, that would tell him, wouldn’t it? What was the harm in a kiss? “Do you think—?” he started to say but lost the courage.
“What?”
Ryan leaned closer, his mouth near Sean’s ear. He felt ridiculous, like a little kid about to ask his mommy to buy him a toy, aware she would probably say no.
“Maybe if we kissed…” he faltered and pulled back, his face burning.
“Kissed?” Sean whispered. He looked around them. “There’s no one to see, no one to fool…”
“No, no, not for the act, for real. For me. I want to see where I am on that line.” He touched the line Sean had drawn in the sand. “Just a kiss…” Sean continued to stare at him, his body now stiff, his hands clenched in his lap.
Ryan felt embarrassment licking up his face like a flame. Of course Sean didn’t want to kiss him. They were friends—nothing more. Whatever Ryan imagined had happened between them on the dance floor was nothing more than loneliness and misplaced affection. He started to stand, suddenly desperate to get away.
Before he could move, Sean seemed to come alive. He leaned toward Ryan, pulling his face close with both hands. Ryan’s heart was pounding so hard he found he didn’t have the breath to speak. He closed his eyes as Sean’s fingers entwined in his hair, his lips lightly touching Ryan’s.
He felt Sean’s warm tongue press gently between his lips. Without realizing it, he parted them, letting Sean’s tongue enter his mouth. The kiss was probing but tender. After only a few seconds Sean dropped his hands and pulled away. Instinctively Ryan leaned toward him, his lips still parted. He realized he was trembling, his heart thudding against his ribs. He took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. Sean was watching him, his eyes bright.
They stared at one another as if nothing else existed on the earth. Finally Sean said softly, “So? What’s the verdict? Where are you on the continuum?”
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“I’m not sure,” Ryan managed. “Maybe we better try it again?”
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